The Funky Butte Ranch rooster wasn’t even supposed to be here. He was accidentally mailed live in a box at age One Day by a catalogue chick-breeding company that I paid extra to send only pullets (females). At first, I thought this was a fortuitous mistake — many chicken ranchers believe that hens produce more and healthier eggs when there’s a male around the coop.
Indeed, “Hank” (not his real name) spent a year as a perfectly chivalrous and absolutely serene guardian to my 25 hens (in sync with the ecosystem, he is one of the few roosters in history who prefers to sleep in, so he rarely wakes me before dawn with egotistical crowing). Then, about six months ago, he suddenly became homicidally violent.
In the most brutal incident, Hank nearly pecked the eye out of one of my drakes (male ducks), who was lounging around pool-side and minding his own business (the duck recovered). More regularly, he’s started ripping feathers out of the chickens in his harem. There’s no call for this kind of behavior. Or maybe it’s that, as it did with Walt the Billy Goat’s visit to the Funky Butte Ranch, Hank’s incorrigibility just goes to show that anything can stop being fun if it’s your job. The ducks mean him no harm, and the hens appear to be fine with respectful courtship. They sure produce an artery-clogging number of eggs.
Now, in about four additional square-offs that I’ve witnessed, he inflates his shoulder-length, golden mane feathers peacock-like into an eerily gravity-defying circle, and starts wreaking havoc on all avian comers with bee-line attacks and savage beak rips (he remains docile in my presence, which is very, very wise). This is particularly unfair in the case of ducks, whose bills lack offensive firepower. It’s like bombing Bhutan.
So I don’t know how to put it more delicately: since I’ve given Hank three chances and then three more, should I, well, shouldn’t I eat him? This is not part of the Funky Butte Ranch protein plan. My strategy for meat, which I am increasingly coming to believe that my blood type demands (even once or twice per week), is a sustainable harvest of one elk per year from my ecosystem – believe me, that’s more than enough for my needs.
Here’s a photo of the guy mid-crow. He is a member of the Funky Butte Ranch family. My son loves the birds. I mean, take it from me: one doesn’t name future meals. That is to say, I’m not the kind of guy who looks at a chicken and sees a six piece Val-U-Meal. I think a longer-term benefit is a happy flock giving tons of eggs for years. But when is enough enough?
Regardless of Hank’s fate, the Felonious Rooster Dilemma is causing me to give heavy thought to the whole penitentiary system. The only maximum security lockdown on the Ranch is designed to keep coyotes OUT, not chickens IN, and that’s where Hank’s victims live. So it’s the death sentence or complete coddling for the foul fowl.
In closing this Dispatch, I can’t help but feel that mine is a modern Sensitive Age dilemma. I think of Renee Zellweger’s earthy Ruby Thewes’ line to Nicole Kidman’s rich girl Asa Monroe character in the terrific film version of the even more terrific Civil War-era Cold Mountain novel: “I hate uppity chickens,” Ruby remarks, upon manually decapitating the bird that has been terrifying Ada for months –- she solved the problem without guilt within a minute of arrival on the scene. Now, I don’t think I’m going to make this important decision based on a vote (or a movie), but I’m definitely interested in opinions.
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36 Responses:
March 7th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
You don’t have to eat him ( although I would, you don’t want to be one of those people that order a huge meal and then not eat half) I would place him on the other side of the fence, let him survive for him self. you might be surprised how long he lasts, just remember if another animal eats him, he didn’t go to waste.
March 7th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I grew up with chickens so I say kill the damn thing. Though I do hold fast to my belief that nothing is more delicious than a fertilized chicken egg.
March 8th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Walter, I don’t think putting him outside will work, because all the chickens and ducks are outside during the day. Not that I didn’t consider this — it would work at night, but the birds are so diurnal that Hank isn’t even a threat past dusk. It’s like his mojo fades into fear, or at least sleepiness.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:08 am
I remember hearing about attack roosters (on the hens) from Temple Grandin in her book, Animals in Translation. Apparently, when animals are bred for single traits, other wacky things can happen. She recounts a story of a rooster that suddenly started attacking and killing the hens. She worked it out that the genetic changes made for the single trait also affected the courtship rituals between roosters and hens and disrupted the normal course of things, thereby causing the roosters to go crazy. I know this doesn’t solve your problem (I don’t think she offered solutions, other than to be wary of stocks bred for single traits), but maybe gives some background.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:52 am
That IS helpful, Jen, because Hank the rooster was the “free, bonus -exotic-” chicken they send with every order. If they can’t get the gender right, who knows what else might go wrong? I’m generally a fan of selective, Gregor Mendel-style breeding, as opposed to modifying genes in a test tube, but in-breeding is another story (can you say, “Shar Pei”?). Hopefully Hank is just going through a phase, and not, so to speak, a bad egg.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely! (It also makes creatures vain, lazy and cruel for sport.) This is one of the themes of my novel, “Tales of and Island Rooster.” (Other themes include young love and betrayal.) What your guy needs is a worthy rival (obviously the ducks are not up to it.) If you can’t “stomach” another rooster, try a turkey or peacock or Guinea. Just be sure it is something with the spirit to fight back. (I have some pugnacious bantam roosters that would put him in his place!)
March 9th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I meant, “Tales of AN Island Rooster”!
Now available at my website, $9.95!
March 9th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Grandmama always said that roosters get to a point where they just “go bad” mostly, and then it’s time for chicken and dumplings. Get Annika’s recipe for the dumplings.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
My parents partook of the back to nature movement in the 70s, and we were terrorized by “Neil”, the attack rooster. He never pestered the hens, but a 7-year-old (me) was a suitable target. Unfortunately for Neil, the local red fox population settled the dilemma before we found a solution. No one was sad, as I recall. Decades later, my wife and I have our own small farm and are about to get our first chickens. I am seriously considering going the “hens-only” route.
March 10th, 2009 at 5:51 am
How about eating him after you have let your hens hatch off some of those fertilized eggs undoubtedly giving you a new rooster in the mix?
March 10th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Will– All I can say is “Yum.” Well, that and, “wait, for that I have to kill my rooster.”
Joshua– That’s a fine and hopeful suggestion. We’ll see if any of the hens “brood” (sit on a nest to hatch) this spring.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:09 am
I like Joshua’s and Walter’s suggestions. As much as I LOVE chicken and dumplings (and have an awesome, awesome recipe if you want it) I’d wait until one of the hens is brooding, then I’d take Hank for a little ride in the R.O.A.T. and leave him as a snack for the wild beasties. Or, barter him to a neighbor who won’t have a problem roasting him for dinner.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:10 am
Do you have any friends who don’t want eggs from a hen, but do want a rooster to keep the tick population down? If so, problem solved. If not, dumplings.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Remember that chickens are social creatures. Sending him off alone would be pretty cruel.
March 13th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Wow, Graham, a tick-reducer. Never thought of it. And good point John — I mean, a lot depends on how much human emotion (or how much of the Golden Rule) one wants to impart of an “animal.” I wouldn’t want to be abandoned in the wilderness to be eaten. Though I wouldn’t want to be decapitated either. But then I’m not assaulting ducks in the first degree. Except on Sundays. No, no.
Meanwhile, folks might be interested to know that since I posted this Dispatch, “Hank” has been perfectly well-behaved. Perhaps he gets the RSS feed to these Dispatches. I sure have no idea what goes on in that barn at night once I latch the door. They could be trading derivatives.
March 14th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Glad to hear Hank is behaving. I guess if it comes down to it, a quick decapitation would be more humane than abandoned and attacked by wild animals.
March 15th, 2009 at 1:28 am
An ornery rooster begets more ornery roosters. From my limited understanding of chickens, if you let Hank make an heir, the new rooster will likely be very similar to Hank.
If he keeps attacking animals, cull him from the flock and have some Rooster stew.
March 16th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Wow! An article about the Lehman Brothers only garnered three comments and one about mayhem and decapitation generated about twenty.
I thought that there would have been more discussion about leaving the Lehman Brothers out for the foxes and scavangers to clean up but on the whole you have a very respectful bunch of readers.
Don’t forget that if you render the rooster, the fat goes into the truck.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Arlo, you sure packed a lot of cogent comments in one post — I, too, noticed anti-social roosters proved more comment-inspiring than an anti-social banking system. And any oil from cooking, particularly, does wind up in the vehicle.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
I especially like the part where Ruby in Cold Mountain looks at Ada after she wrings the rooster’s neck and says, “Let’s put him in a pot.”
As for me, I’d like to have the fortitude to do this, but, fact is, I have never been hungry enough to kill my own meat (or desperate to end farmyard violence). I’d like to hear how you handle it though. Good luck!
April 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Roosters and young Children don’t mix well, keep a vigil eye out. I have some unruly turkey toms at the moment! A friend said to me, when he was a child, the “bad” roosters, were caught at the start of the chores and carried around upside down -by the legs for 5,10,15 minutes till the chores were done and then released, after a few trips to the upside down ride, the roosters calmed down considerably. Now my tom (1 bad one) is a bit heavier than a rooster, but it seems to be working after 2x and a defensive dog. If you do cook the thing, make sure to slow cook the cock, they do get tough.
April 5th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Doug, I feel your pain. You risk further pain if you sacrifice Hank and then grow to regret taking his life for no good reason. He is, after all, doing what roosters are programmed to do. But your flock of hens doesn’t need stud service so why not put HIM (along with your Subaru) on Craig’s list, or better yet, give him to a neighbor. This is a pain free solution all around.
Sylvie
April 14th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Roosters usually turn into pricks when they get older, as you have seen. It’s gonna get worse so…..OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!
I adore hens but don’t much like roosters. They are mean, nasty animals and bully any animal they possibly can. WHO NEEDS THAT, I ASK?? Certainly not you or your animals 
Peace ~ and good luck.
May 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
It is a fallacy that all roosters are equally aggressive. Just like dogs, different breeds have different temperaments, and as stupid as chickens are, they do have personalities.
You need to kill Hank and replace him with a more docile breed such as a Silkie or a Plymouth Rock.
One approach might be to get two rooster chicks, and then eat the Alpha male before he gets too old and tough. You want a Beta male or one who is too busy fulfilling his “purpose” to go around making trouble.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:57 am
[...] I think, to the goats – Natalie, Melissa, and Nico. They might actually read it, given that Hank, the Funky Butte Ranch’s rooster started behaving himself immediately after I suggested in an earlier Dispatch that he might soon be [...]
August 6th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
One rooster is never enough. They need to take out their aggression on each other, not on the hens. Craigslist always has people getting rid of full grown birds. Pick up a pair of adult roosters to add to the flock and you will fine.
August 19th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I agree, 25 chickens is too big of a flock for one rooster to protect. He is probably in panic attack mode and feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated. Add another roo or two and after the pecking order is established, I wouldn’t be surprised if things get much mellower.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:56 am
Men have always been known for their chivalry. If they are treated well by women, they get treated better in return. If women want to be taken good care of by their men, they need to respect and treat their men with dignity.
August 27th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Does anybody know what breed of rooster he is, because I have one that looks just like him and he’s the sweetest rooster I’ve ever had. But he’s pushing 12, and I’d like to find another just like him!
August 29th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Barb- I wish I knew, and as I mentioned in the Dispatch, he was sent unintended and unidentified by the “chick” company.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I believe your rooster is an Americauna. I got my 12 pullets (day old) in April . . . two girls of six varieties (we call them our yard art because they are so many beautiful colors). Anyway, about two months later, while lying in bed, I heard a distinct, but croaky crowing . . . twice. Sure enough our pullet, Claire, turned out to be our rooster, Clarence. He looks exactly like yours.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Why is it roosters have such mean little souls? I remember at about 2-1/2 years of age being flogged by a rooster. I was running in circles with the thing on my back beating me with his wings. I remember my mama slamming him with a broom, and I remember her frying him up for dinner. That was 50+ years ago, and I still remember the terror he instilled and the pain he inflicted.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Just had four roosters preped for dinner, the first one was very good and much better behaved than he was in life. We subed out the task of converting them from nasty birds to a nice dinner. It is not a very pleasant task and is best avoided if possible.
PQ